Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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