so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Randomize
