morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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