Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
