I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
