My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
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