Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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