I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
