Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
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