I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
