woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Randomize
