no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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