is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
