I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Randomize
