you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Randomize
