one word: firstdatebathroomanal
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Randomize
