Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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