I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
