The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
