my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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