If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize