she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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