The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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