I didn't shave. On purpose
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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