One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
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