Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Randomize
