FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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