Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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