May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Randomize
