im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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