Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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