I bet he comes in French.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
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