I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize