No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Randomize
