Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
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