when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
