why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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