he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
