She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
