he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
