Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
