haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Just high enough for therapy.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
