Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
