Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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