I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
