Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize