I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
