i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
