she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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