I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
