I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize