My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
