chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
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