I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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