I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Hello my rib-scented angel!
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
