My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
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