The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
