I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
