I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
