Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Randomize
